


this is me trying

by fallingforboys



Series: thiam in the words of taylor swift [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Brett Talbot & Lori Talbot Live, Corey Bryant & Theo Raeken Friendship, M/M, McCall Pack, Puppy Pack (Teen Wolf), Suicidal Thoughts, Theo Raeken & Brett Talbot Friendship, Theo Raeken Needs a Hug, Theo Raeken-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:29:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28913118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingforboys/pseuds/fallingforboys
Summary: And as Theo looked at the glistening water under him, he wondered if hell might be better than living.
Relationships: Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken
Series: thiam in the words of taylor swift [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2120550
Comments: 10
Kudos: 64





	this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> This one is really sad, I definitely cried while writing it
> 
> And I just want to put a warning: please please read the tags before you read this story
> 
> To fully experience the heartbreak, I highly advise playing "this is me trying" by taylor swift while reading
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading!

•••

_I’ve been having a hard time adjusting_

_I had the shiniest wheels now they’re rusting_

•••

Theo could’ve told someone. He could’ve told Scott- god knows he would’ve helped with his save-everyone mindset. He could’ve told Corey or Brett- they’ve gotten closer, they would’ve done something. He could’ve told _Liam_ , cause he’s-

Well, he’s _something_. 

And Theo didn’t want to admit what it was, not when he was _Theo Raeken_ and that was _Liam Dunbar_ \- the beta of the alpha that he tried to _kill_. 

So, Theo could’ve told someone that he was homeless. But he didn’t. 

Hell gave him a conscience, it gave him regrets, it gave him _insecurities_ and _anxiety_. He couldn’t go to sleep without waking up screaming, begging Tara not to take his heart one second and then resigning himself to his fate the next. He used to be the strong, confident chimera that everyone had feared. Now? He couldn’t walk on the street without being scared that someone would try to kill him. And Theo had accepted that it would be justifiable. Even thought it might be better than his life right now. 

But sometimes, in the overwhelming silence of those nights he’d wake up with blood all over his chest, he wished that someone would save him from the hell on earth that he was living.

•••

_I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back_

_I have a lot of regrets about that_

•••

Liam brought him back. 

But no matter how desperately Theo wished it was for another reason, it was solely a _necessary evil_ for the beta. His _last_ option. And the chimera couldn’t hold that against him. _Wouldn’t_ hold that against him. But it still clawed at his heart every time he heard Malia bring it up. 

_Liam might’ve brought you back, but it was only cause we were desperate. You were_ never _our first choice._

And he wanted to hate Malia. He wanted to get angry, hurt her like she hurt him- but he _couldn’t_. He couldn’t hate her for it, and somehow that cut the deepest over everything else. Because he deserved it, and there was nothing he could do that change that. He couldn’t go back and fix his mistakes, couldn’t go back and never kill Scott, couldn’t go back and never be a merciless, cold-blooded murderer. 

“Theo, about what Malia said at the pack meeting,” Liam started, and the chimera shook his head.

“Drop it, Liam,” his head pointed straight ahead at the road as he drove to Liam’s house.

“ _No_ , I’m not gonna drop it,” the werewolf said stubbornly, and Theo could feel his stare on his face, “She shouldn’t have said that. You’ve _changed_ , and maybe what she said was true back then, but it’s not true _now_.”

Theo’s heart skipped a beat at the younger boy’s words, but his face remained emotionless. “It doesn’t matter. I know what I did, and I know that it can’t be forgiven. I’ve accepted that, and you don’t have to keep trying to make it better. Because it will _never_ be better.”

Liam opened his mouth, but the chimera had pulled up to his house, and sat there staring at the wheel, pointedly _not_ looking in Liam’s direction. The werewolf sighed and got out, and Theo let out a small breath after the front door closed behind Liam. 

He wished he could go back and change everything that he regrets. 

But he can’t.

•••

_I pulled the car off the road to the lookout_

_Could’ve followed my fears all the way down_

•••

Theo ended up at Lookout Point. 

It wasn’t like he had a home to get back to, and he liked the silence of the preserve. He parked the truck to the side and got out to sit on the edge of the cliff. The air was chilly, but spending months living in his truck taught him to ignore the cold. And the hunger- which Theo was also currently ignoring. 

The trees below slightly swayed in the wind, and the moon cast an ominous glow on the entire preserve. 

_We were desperate._

_You were_ never _our first choice._

_Liam shouldn’t have broken the sword._

_You don’t deserve it._

_You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it_.

The voices echoed up in his head, igniting every one of his fears. The words crawled into his skin, past every crumbling wall he built, poking at every insecurity he had. He _didn’t_ deserve this. He didn’t deserve to live when he had taken innocent lives. Tracy, Josh, _Tara_. 

How could he deserve to live when _Tara_ , who had her whole life ahead of her and had that ripped away from her by _him_ , was dead? 

Theo stood up suddenly and stared down into the preserve. 

_You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it. You don't deserve it_. 

And Theo listened. His foot shifted closer and closer to the edge. It was one inch away when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

Theo froze. He fished the phone out, seeing a text.

_malia’s wrong_

The phone buzzed again.

_and you’re still coming over tmrw right? brett said you like marvel and mason does too so we’re watching spiderman_

And again.

_ignore that question, you don’t have a choice, you’re coming_

Theo released a shaky breath. He slowly moved back from the edge of the cliff until his back hit the door of his truck.

And he finally let himself cry.

•••

_And maybe I don’t quite know what to say but I’m here in your doorway_

_I just wanted you to know that this is me trying_

•••

Theo didn’t know what he was doing here. He should stay away, not drag Liam into his problems. He didn’t deserve that. 

But here he was, standing on Liam’s porch, his hand inches away from the doorbell. Before he could talk himself out of it, he pushed the button and dropped his head down to stare at his shoes. 

“Theo?” The chimera looked up and saw Liam’s brows furrowed, clearly confused at why he was here so late. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh… I just…” Theo faltered, suddenly feeling as if he made a huge mistake. “Never mind, it’s nothing.” He turned on his heel, but he didn’t even take one step before a hand latched onto his arm and pulled him in. 

A rush of hot air hit Theo as he was dragged into the house, and the chimera suddenly realized how cold it had actually been outside. 

“Is this about the pack meeting?” Liam questioned him, his mouth tight as he stared at the older boy. 

Theo shook his head quickly. “No… no it’s not.” The werewolf raised an eyebrow at his hesitation. “It’s about… not that,” the chimera finished weakly, internally cringing at the mess he was making of the situation. 

“Theo, she’s _wrong_ ,” Liam emphasized, turning his entire body towards him. “When I brought you back, _yes_ , it was because we had no other option. But I’m _glad_ I did. You’ve changed so much, you’re not that person anymore.” The werewolf stepped a little closer. “You _care_. About the pack, about your _friends_. Malia’s wrong, cause you _do_ deserve this. You _deserve_ -”

Theo was crying. He was powerless, frozen as the tears ran down his cheeks. He felt as if his heart had been exposed, and he was completely vulnerable. 

Liam reached forward to wipe away the tears on the chimera’s cheeks but Theo stepped back quickly, his back hitting the front door. 

“Theo,” the younger boy whispered, and that single word was all it took to shatter every wall the chimera had left standing. A sob escaped his throat, and he pressed back into the door, closing his eyes. 

“I’m trying,” the older boy croaked, and his knees couldn’t support his weight anymore and he slid down against the door. “I’m trying, Liam, I’m _trying_.”

Liam dropped to his knees, his hand moving towards the chimera, but he stopped right before he touched him. Theo looked into the werewolf’s eyes, his vision wet and blurry. “I’m trying to fix this, but I _can’t_. Nothing I do or say can change what I did, and it’s _killing_ me.”

Another loud sob echoed in the silent house, and Theo took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He _hated_ being vulnerable, he _hated_ crying in front of other people, and he _hated_ that it was _Liam_. But if he was already here, he might as well tell him the whole truth. “I was at Lookout Point when you texted me,” Theo looked away from the younger boy, not wanting to see his reaction to the next words. If it was satisfaction, he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. 

“I was one inch away from the edge.”

Liam gasped at the confession, and before Theo could even shift back to look at him, the werewolf was hugging him. His knees were on either side of Theo’s legs, and his face was pushed into the chimera’s neck. Theo could feel the other boy’s tears, and Liam squeezed harder. 

After a few minutes of silence, Liam finally pulled back, his eyes red and nose running. “If I didn’t text you, if I had waited _one_ more minute like I was going to, if I didn’t-”

Liam broke off, squeezing his eyes shut for a second before opening them again to look at the chimera. “You would’ve been _dead_.”

The werewolf shoved his face into Theo’s neck again, breathing in deeply, as if he was inhaling the chimera’s scent. 

“You’re wrong,” Liam mumbled, his mouth moving against the edge of Theo’s shirt, and he pulled away again to stare at him. “Everything you’ve done since I brought you back has been fixing this, _everything_ you’ve done has changed what you did before.” Liam reached up to brush away the tears on his face. “You deserve a second chance. You’ve _proven_ that.”

Theo’s heart twinged, and he took a shaky breath. “You might be the only person in Beacon Hills that believes that.”

And despite the solemn mood, Liam let out a soft laugh. “You’re kidding right? Everyone in the Puppy Pack believes that. Alec, Nolan, and Lori _adore_ you. Mason might’ve been a little cold at the beginning, but he _loves_ you now- he was so excited when he heard that you liked Marvel too. And Corey and Brett are your _friends_. They get worried when you don’t show up on time, they _care_ about you. Just like I do.”

Liam placed a hand on Theo’s cheek, tilting it up a little so they were eye-to-eye. “We care about you, Theo. _I_ care about you.”

And then he leaned in, stopping right before his lips touched Theo’s, like he was waiting for permission. The chimera felt his heart racing, and he was sure Liam heard it too. He closed the gap, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. Liam pushed back harder, and Theo’s head hit the door, but he ignored it. This was way more important than a slightly injured head that would heal.

And for the first time in months, Theo was happy. 

•••

_And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad_

_I have a lot of regrets about that_

•••

“I don’t need your help!” Theo screamed, pushing away Liam’s hands. 

“You’re _homeless_ , Theo!” Liam yelled back, his eyes flashing. This wasn’t the right time to do this- the whole pack was frozen, watching their fight, but both boys were too worked up to care.

“Thanks for the reminder,” the chimera hissed, stepping back further. “I’m sorry we can’t all have daddy’s money to live off of.”

Liam’s claws extended out, gold filling his eyes completely. He was _angry_. “You could’ve had that if you didn’t _murder_ your own sister,” he growled out.

Theo froze as gasps echoed in the room. The words hit him exactly where they were supposed to, and the fight left him. He suddenly felt weak, and he staggered back. 

“Wait, Theo, I didn-”

“I should’ve known that what you said yesterday wasn’t true,” Theo cut him off, his voice barely above a whisper, but everyone heard him just fine. “You shouldn’t have texted me. I’m sorry you wasted the time.”

Liam’s face crumpled, and he lunged forward, but Theo rushed back. “You shouldn’t have texted me,” he repeated. And then he turned and ran out. Before he could do something stupid like listen to Liam again. 

He jumped into his truck and just _drove_. Theo could see Liam in his rearview mirror, standing outside of the house with the rest of the pack, but he looked away and focused on the road. 

Ten minutes later, he reached the preserve. He got out and entered the woods, walking around aimlessly- he had no destination, nowhere to go, nowhere to call home. He let his mind drift off, and when he came back to reality, he was standing on the bridge. _Of course_. 

He leaned against the railing, staring down at the cold stream gently running past. The regret hit him like a train, and he closed his eyes. Their fight was his fault after all, he’s the one who started it. Liam was just reciprocating what Theo gave him. 

And as Theo looked at the glistening water under him, he wondered if hell might be better than living. 

•••

_I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere_

_Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here_

•••

Theo was smart. He _knew_ that, it’s how he managed to almost destroy Scott’s pack. He planned, knew every detail that he needed to know, had back-up plans for back-up plans. He was one step ahead of the pack the whole time, but what good had that done?

It brought him here, standing in the freezing cold, alone and lonely. 

And for a second, Theo let himself reminisce. Back to when everything was good- he had Scott and Stiles, Tara was alive, and he wasn’t a fucked up science experiment. 

He remembered his eighth birthday- his parents were both at work, but Tara had thrown him a surprise party. Scott and Stiles were there, Melissa was there, the sheriff was there. And it hadn’t mattered that his parents didn’t care enough- because he had people that _did_. 

And he had gone and fucked it all up. Just like he always did. 

He had gone and listened to the three scary looking people when he should’ve run. He had gone and killed his _sister_ , because that’s what they wanted him to do. He had gone and tried to kill _Scott_ , the guy who had come up to him on the playground, asking him if he wanted to be friends. He had killed him and _Melissa_ saw it, the one who had treated him more like a son than his own mom ever did. He had hurt the _sheriff-_ who had always slipped him cookies whenever he went to the station with Scott and Stiles. And Stiles, god, _Stiles._ He had taken everything Stiles loved and tried to destroy it. The guy that had picked up on Theo’s parents’ neglect without him even saying a word, and had subtly started to invite Theo over more for sleepovers and to hang out. Theo had gone and damaged _Stiles_. 

He had ruined all of it. And Theo didn’t blame them for not forgiving him. 

He couldn’t forgive _himself_. 

•••

_And it's hard to be at a party_

_When I feel like an open wound_

_It's hard to be anywhere these days_

_When all I want is you_

•••

He got a text from Brett two days later, telling him that there was a pack party tonight. Theo said he wasn’t coming, and the werewolf had threatened him, saying that if he didn’t show up, he was gonna find him and drag him there. He had ignored every text and call he had gotten for the last two days. Everyone in the Puppy Pack had reached out, asking him to come over, asking him where he was. The chimera had hid- he knew they would come searching for him, and he didn’t want to see them yet. But clearly Brett had gotten tired of him avoiding them. 

Theo knew it was a mistake- it wasn’t even just the Puppy Pack, it was the _whole_ pack. And every single one of them had heard the fight. They all knew that Theo was homeless, they all knew that he had almost stepped off the cliff three days ago. But still, Theo found himself pulling up to the McCall house that evening, ignoring every siren in his head. 

“Hey, you made it,” Corey said happily, wrapping a hand around the chimera’s arm and dragging him to the living room. Theo avoided everyone’s stares- he couldn’t bear to see their scowls and glares. He sat down next to Brett, and pointedly looked away from Liam, who was trying to catch his eye. 

The silence that had fallen when the chimera entered was slowly broken, everyone going back to their conversations. Theo was uncomfortable- it felt like everyone was still looking at him, and he shifted uneasily. Brett seemed to pick up on it and edged closer to the chimera until their legs and arms were brushing, just a slight touch that somehow helped Theo relax a little. He suddenly felt immensely grateful for his friend- no matter how much the chimera wanted to deny it, the werewolf understood him. 

Theo looked up, and immediately regretted it. Liam was right in front of him, and he felt a weight in his chest as he saw the werewolf laughing with Mason. _Something_ pressed in on his heart, but the chimera ignored it. Liam deserved to be happy, and Theo didn’t. But as much as he wanted to look away, he _couldn’t_. Because he wanted Liam. 

The werewolf suddenly turned his head, and Theo dropped his gaze. He forced himself not to look up again, instead leaning back and a little more into Brett. 

He didn’t know how much time passed like that- no one tried to talk to him and he stayed there, drifting through his thoughts, sitting in between Corey and Brett. They both seemed to understand that he wasn’t in the mood to talk, and they left him alone, simply being comforting presences on either side. 

“Okay, the pizza’s here,” Scott called out from the kitchen, and Theo was pulled from his thoughts. The rest of the pack began to make their way over to the food, but the chimera stayed put. Corey nudged him, silently asking him if he was coming, and he shook his head. 

“I’ll eat later,” he said quietly, and Corey’s smile dropped.

“Theo, when was the last time you ate?” the other chimera asked sharply, and Theo sighed. 

“I’m fine, Corey.”

“No, you’re not. Get up.” Corey gave him no choice, yanking him off the couch and pulling him to the kitchen. 

The room fell silent again when Theo entered, and the chimera _hated_ it. Malia was glaring at him, but it seemed a little subdued from its usual intensity. Stiles, Lydia, and Derek simply stared, while Scott had a look on his face that almost seemed like guilt. The Puppy Pack all had sad expressions on their faces. Liam’s eye caught his, and he looked away, his heart pounding. He couldn’t do this. Coming here was a mistake. 

“I gotta go,” he said to Corey, taking his arm out of the chimera’s grip, before leaving the house as quickly as he could. Why did he ever think this would be a good idea? Everyone _hated_ him. 

And so did Liam. 

Theo was opening the door to his truck when it suddenly slammed closed, and the chimera jumped in surprise. Liam was standing in front of him, breathing heavily as his eyes flickered between blue and gold. 

“You’re not running away again.”

“Liam, we both know this is bette-”

“Shut up!” The werewolf exploded, apparently losing the little control he had left. “Shut up for one fucking second, and listen to me.”

Theo’s eyes widened, and he could sense that the rest of the pack was watching them, but he could only look at Liam. 

“You left.” The younger boy snarled. “You left, didn’t respond to _any_ texts or calls for _two fucking days._ Two days!” Liam exhaled sharply, stepping forward. “I thought you were _dead_. I looked for you for _hours_ , praying to every god I could think of that I wouldn’t find your body drifting in the stream or at the bottom of the preserve. You. Just. _Left!_ ”

The werewolf shoved Theo hard with the last word, and his back hit the truck. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? Your last words to me were ‘You shouldn’t have texted me.’ I thought you were gonna do it this time,” Liam growled, and the chimera’s words got stuck in his throat. “I thought… thought-”

All the anger suddenly drained out of the younger boy, and he just looked exhausted. “I thought that you were _dead_ , and it was _my_ fault.” Theo made a noise at that, and opened his mouth to argue, but he was cut off. “I’m _sorry_ , Theo. I’m sorry for what I said. After everything I told you the night before, I just went and ruined everything because I was just _angry_. And that doesn’t justify anything, but can you forgive me?”

Theo stared at Liam. The werewolf’s eyes were somber, and Theo’s breath hitched at the weighted look. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“ _Yes_ , it was,” the younger boy hissed. “It was my fault, and stop trying to convince me that it wasn’t. I shouldn’t have said that, and I regretted it the second I did. After you left, the whole Puppy Pack yelled at me for an hour.”

Theo’s heart skipped. He hadn’t expected that, and he tilted his head to look at the house. Brett and Corey were standing on the porch, surrounded by the rest of the Puppy Pack, and they were all looking at them intensely. Mason nodded when he realized that Theo was looking at them. 

“We did,” the human called out. “Alec even recorded all of it, so if you ever get mad at Liam, you can watch him cower and cry for a whole hour on video.”

And despite Theo’s best efforts, he couldn’t hold back a short laugh. He turned back to the werewolf in front of him, who was watching him closely, a hesitant smile on his lips. 

“I forgive you,” the chimera said gently, and Liam stepped forward slightly. 

“Promise not to run away again?”

“I don’t know if I can promis-”

“ _Promise?_ ” Liam pressed, interrupting Theo. The older boy’s gaze roamed the werewolf’s face, picking up on his urgency and guilt.

“I promise,” Theo whispered, before leaning in. 

The pack all cheered as their lips met in the middle, and the chimera let himself get lost in the kiss for a moment. Until he realized that it wasn’t just the Puppy Pack watching, it was _also_ the older pack. He moved back quickly, almost hitting his head on the truck door, his eyes shifting to the house again. 

But the sight surprised him. 

Stiles was smirking slightly, while Lydia was handing Derek something that looked awfully similar to money. Scott’s mouth was tilted up in a grin, and he had his arm around Malia’s shoulder. And Malia, for the first time in months, didn’t look like she wanted to kill him. 

Theo guessed that he looked like a fish right now. Liam led him over to where the rest of the pack was standing.

“You should’ve told us,” Scott said, shaking his head disapprovingly as they got close. “We’ve already forgiven you, Theo.”

The chimera raised an eyebrow, his eyes flickering to Malia. The werecoyote suddenly looked guilty.

“We… _I_ ,” Malia corrected, her fingers fidgeting, “shouldn’t have said what I did. You aren’t that Theo anymore, and I _knew_ that. I just… hold grudges for a long time.”

Theo snorted. “No kidding.”

Scott put an arm on Theo’s shoulder. “I’m _serious_. You’ve changed, and everyone can see that. You’re trying _every single day_ to be better, and we _know_ ,” the alpha emphasized, and all of a sudden, he grinned. “You’re staying here.”

Theo froze. “What?”

“You’re staying here. We have an empty room, and Alec needs company anyway- you’ll fit right in.”

The chimera blinked blankly at the alpha. He couldn’t tell if this was a joke or not. Somehow, Scott seemed to read his mind. “I’m _not_ joking, Theo. This is your new home.”

“I… Um…” Theo’s brain did not seem to process what was happening. “ _Thank you_.”

Stiles threw an arm around the chimera. “You’re pack, whether you like it or not. Even when Liam does dumb shit and makes you want to punch him in the nose, you’re pack.”

“ _Hey!_ ” Liam complained as the pack cracked up. A small smile crossed Theo’s face as he looked at the werewolf. 

Liam looked back at him with a small smirk, and Theo felt his heart soar.

Things might be okay after all. 

•••

_At least I’m trying_

•••


End file.
